The doctor is : in

I didn't go to the doctor for being sick the past few days. I actually went a few weeks ago. It just took me this long to get over the mental trauma of the experience. I can finally write about it. I don't like going to the doctor, and I won't go unless I start to feel it is a life or death situation. That means it has probably been about ten years since I've been to a family doctor. Before that, you can subtract another eight years.

About once or twice a year I use an asthma inhaler. Recently, I went to use it and realized that the inhaler had expired about 18 months ago. I used it anyway. It was not effective. Time to go get a new prescription.

Cari takes good care of me. After searching, she found a doctor that was willing to see me with no medical history. I only need a prescription for a medicine I've used most of my life.

I was feeling a bit anxious when I went into his office. I was thinking he would talk to me a bit about asthma and then write a prescription. He was thinking I should lay on the table. ??????

Ok. He lifted my shirt as he talked with me and started pressing on my kidneys, and feeling my ankles. I'm thinking, "Dude, my ankles don't hurt. I just need an inhaler."

He listened to my heart and took my blood pressure. He said my heart rate seemed just a tad high and asked if I was nervous. I told him I was. Then he listened to me breathe, looked down my throat, looked in my ears.

I looked around the poorly lit office examination room and wondered when he would write my prescription. I was now standing and he was sitting on his stool checking me for every ailment known to man. Then he unbuttoned my pants and did the "turn your head and cough" routine. Oh no! I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!

Whatever. It was over as quickly as it began.

"Let's check your prostate," he said. My silent response, "WHAT THE F@#$!!!!!" He pulled a large purple glove out of a box and asked me to lean over the table. I must have had this dumbfounded look on my face as he asked me again to pull all my clothes down. I could not believe what was happening to me. I did not WANT a full exam. I only wanted a friggin prescription. This is exactly why I don't go to doctors.

I did as I was told. He checked my prostate. AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
He told me everything seemed fine there. I thought, "YEAH, it was fine for me too, that's why I didn't come in here for you to check it."

He allowed me to get dressed after that and he pulled out his prescription book. He offered some new asthma medicine, and I pretty much told him I wouldn't take it. I told him the prescription I have used since the beginning, and that's what he wrote for me.

I got home and Cari asked how it went. I was mad. "What did you tell him when you scheduled an appointment for me?"

She said she told them I wanted a prescription. Nothing more. Then I told her what happened. She laughed. For a long time.